A. You get frustrated, waste hours on the phone with customer service, spend way over budget on gas to get to the library to make Ebay labels, lose money on reduced ebay sales because you can not list new things, drive to the local Dunkin Donuts to use free wifi, have several techs come to your home, forget your passwords to WordPress since you have not used it in eons….Sorry, it has been so long….but I finally have a different internet service now.
I am trying to catch up with all my online activities, such as Ebay, Craigslist, FB Poker, paying bills, watching movies of my granddaughter, watching Netflix….I certainly can live without internet since I did the first thirtysomething years of my life, but it does make life easier (and cheaper) when I live with it.
Other mostly non-internet things I have been enjoying lately are sleeping in, going to the Friday night auctions (not this past Friday), spending a weekend watching my Granddaughter (who will be one so soon) while my daughter helps clean my house, an occasional meetup group, reading real books from the library, slowly de-hoarding my house, thinking about exercising but not doing much more than stretching, trying to get my son to do more than video games, snuggling with my old expensive (vet bills) dog, and over eating (with out eating too much sodium). I am trying to change my mental attitude about eating since I gained so much after initially losing weight after my stroke. The brand of ice cream my son and I love is on sale this week, which prompted me to write this post. Good thing I can not order ice cream online and have it delivered or my freezer and belly would be full of ice cream until I stroked or had a clogged heart. When I had my stroke and I spent the first week in the hospital scared I would stroke again, and certainly felt like I did several times. I kept thinking my lack of exercise and weight gain played a big role in causing my stroke. My doctors said it was my unmedicated high blood pressure, high cholesterol, stress, and family history was the causing factors. No therapies I received since the stroke included diet therapy, except the ones via self-help.
To keep this short, I now am at my all time highest weight ever. I have not really walked any great distance since September and my exercise ball is half deflated. I am going to try to walk the sidewalk into town, working up to the post office and back. Hopefully everyday that is not a downpour or ice storm/
When I wake up….if I ever get to sleep, I should be able to pay my bills. Then maybe shop to get some things I have needed for weeks. First up, is spackle to finish painting my bathroom walls. Today, I took part of the bathroom heater cover outside to sand and paint. The rusty metal primer is so stinky. I let it dry and got one coat of blue on, it will need at least one more coat. I also fought with some spiders and cleaned the bathroom sink. The shower still needs to be cleaned, but I am waiting to buy a new shower curtain and paint around the shower. You might be thinking wow, you did a lot. Nope, I skipped my shower and did not drive anywhere. I wore my jammies all day and ate donuts for breakfast. I washed zero dishes, no laundry, no cleaning in any other part of my house. I just can not get it together.
I spend way too much time reflecting on my past…recent past mostly. I am always trying to figure out how to get all the day to day stuff done since my stroke. I get hungry and all my plans for getting all the dishes clean never work out. There are always more dirty dishes. My painting projects stalled to a halt. My ebay sales are tanking and I question even trying to sell something to make three dollars. It takes time to search for items, photograph, list, relist, make sure I am not paying for relists, etc. I also have to deal with a hoard of stuff in my small house that I don’t want around. I need a bigger house or to get rid of some stuff. I am tired of stubbing my toe on the door because it does not open all the way. I spent some time outside mowing today. It has been way over a week and my son and I have not finished it yet. I also spent some time trying to empty the rain barrel. I realized I could not remember the last rain and was surprised my plants were still alive. I still have at least one live lilac, some rudbeckia, and unknown perennial from my Mom’s still alive. At least that is progress since I have killed many plants from neglect post stroke. My indoor avocado is still alive too. It is top heavy so I turned to to the corner of the room for support.
It is so easy to be dark and cynical when you have no one to talk to. That is where I was the last few days. I was reflecting and telling myself it is my fault people do not want to talk or spend time with me. I realized I am just lacking the routine of putting myself in the mix of dozens of co-workers or the public on a regular basis, since my stroke I have not been back to work. Three and one half years and less than a handful of new friends and acquaintances. I still did not figure out how to turn that around. I was not a popular person pre-stroke. I have no idea why people don’t like me post, but I like me. I still have hope I will figure it all out before I die.
WordPress let me know I have been blogging three years. I hope they send me a cake. I really miss the random cakes and donuts or pizza we used to get at work. I guess I could make myself a cake. I have not had much spare time recently. I have been trying to get the lawn mowed, the house clean, I have been sick, my son was home sick from school two days, and the season 4 of Walking Dead is now on netflix. I need to see the whole thing, we are about halfway through. We don’t have cable so no spoilers please.
I would rather look at a rusty old tin, then a shiny new designer purse or shoes, or someones tattoo. I don’t have anything against the those things, I actually like design, art, and human bodies with or without tattoos. I just don’t understand peoples preoccupations with just a few select must haves (to them) that are not basic needs like air and water. What got me rethinking about this was the cashier complimenting the women ahead of me yesterday. She said I love your purse, it looked like a wallet to me. I guess it was a Coach item, because it looked like letter C’s all over in different colors. It was hideous, to me. I like mine it is black with silver studs…but I don’t even use it in public anymore. Then she went on to compliment her nails….all the while I am standing in line with my uneven, broken nails that I did not have anyone clip even for me yet. I was wondering what she would think of my nails and I was glad they were clean. She did not compliment me on my paint splattered worn t-shirt, but she was pleasant and asked how I was today. So no big deal, but then on a TV show today I saw a women who would not take a picture of her hands to show off her engagement ring until she had them filled by a plastic surgeon. Really, I thought they just looked like normal human hands. They were not abnormally huge (like man hands on Seinfeld), fat, crooked, webbed….they looked average to me. On can people cope and cary on with their lives if this it what they are preoccupied with? How do so many people get this way? I feel like I live on the wrong planet or amongst the wrong species.
Since I am ranting, and not positive here is a bit of both. My ebay sales have been tanking. I took it upon myself to put on a facebook group, I am on, one single item I am selling the group might be interested in. I sold it! I had over 80 views of that item, vs the 3 or 4 I usually get. Ebay sucks at promoting and having things come up in a search. My other items got no more than usual views, so obviously no one looked at my other items. Just also want to rant that group usually goes gaga over items made in China just because they resemble slightly a camper or part of a theme they like. People should be more conscious of what they purchase and why.
I weigh too much, even more than I did when I had the stroke. I might bake tomorrow. I think I will try some oatmeal cookies with less sugar and hardly any salt. They will have peanut butter though.
Today I need to work on cleaning, because it never gets done. Laundry and lawn mowing are on the list too. It is nice and those are chores that never get done either. I still have my painting projects waiting. I still need to work on my Ebay. Time and money always seem out of my reach.
I still have an achy body, but my leg muscles feel better. I went to the nearest store, I got more paint brushes but they did not have spackle. I need to get the door painted so I can put the window film up. My son will need to help me with the window film. He spent the night at his friends, so he is guaranteed to be in a tired pissy teenager mood.
This art deco building is one of the treasures of Syracuse. I wish it was lit up, but I guess our light the night walk was too early.