I am also dirty. Soooo, I finally have a working heating system in my home. This is big, because I have lived here for over two years. It gets below zero most winters. Electric space heaters work when it is above 35 degrees (farenheight for non USA people) outside. They are expensive to run, and not reliable or the safest. I was feeling so good that for the first time in my home ownership (of two houses, and one mobile over the years) that the proper heating system was working. It was snowy today, and I had to clear off my car and go pick up my son from school to take him to a counseling appointment. Driving on normal days tires me out. Today the fatigue really kicked in and I fell asleep after getting home and woke up after 8:30PM. I just puttered around not really doing anything, thinking I will make a plan to get my chores back on track tomorrow. So I did not wash dishes again. No big deal, I often do a few days worth at one time. My good feelings of things finally going right in my life ended when my son started screaming as he took a shower. My first thoughts were the drain was backing up (it does often), then maybe a ugly bug got loose with all the repairs going on. I yelled through the door “what’s wrong”, of course there was no hot water. Damn, I tried to start our natural gas water tank back up, but of course I can not even turn the dial or see to read the directions that I can not remember. Starting it up just scares me anyhow. So, I have not showered since Monday and I am starting to feel gross. I guess I always have to take the bad with the good. I never seem to get just a streak of good things happening to me. I am warm enough though. I turned the heat down at night to save a few pennies since it is usually warm enough under the covers.
My small Winter Solstice/Festivus/Christmas Tree is standing next to the three Snoopys of Christmas past.
The heating repair guy is supposed to be here first thing tomorrow morning….heres to hoping I get real heat soon. We are supposed to be getting a winter “storm” the next few days.
I got food stamps again. We will be eating so well now with the extra $16 a month, if the price of food decreases 1000%. I wish the Republicans who voted to reduce food stamps would come visit my house. They can look at my budget too, and tell me how to cut back on necessities to make this work.
I went bowling tonight. It was $1 a game night. It will probably be the only time I go out this month, unless I drive over to the casino to listen to the free band.
I can not explain, because I don’t understand, it was not my idea. We never had a fight or disagreement. He was always respectful and polite. He said I love you just a short while earlier. He said he does not think he can be in the kind of relationship I want. What? I guess it took him over a year to realize. He also said he wanted to see other people (he used people instead of women?). This was just messaged to me out of the blue. I had a immediate response of swear words, death threats, and curses I messaged back to him. I called him a liar, since he has to be lying now, or he lied to me in the past. I finally calmed down enough to apologize for my harsher death threats and curses. That does not stop me from breaking down (hopefully less now, each passing day makes it more real). Uhhhggg…so many negative and bad things getting thrown at me all at once. My son got sick. My dog ate stuff she shouldn’t and is scratching herself till she bleeds, my boiler does not work, my toilet is leaking, my drainage problem has returned.
I have learned not to worry and stress about my problems since my stroke, but I still think and sometimes obsess over them. Maybe getting dumped will be the best thing that happened to me. It does not feel like it now.
I have thought about wordpress here and there after being on my new internet for awhile. I think my service is too slow. By the time I get my essential work related stuff done and attempt to play online poker I am usually so disgusted I give up and try to clean my house. That is saying a lot from a stroke survivor to actually want to clean. I am really just trying to get rid of some hoarding tendencies, and get my house looking normal for my heating repair people to do their job. I can not even talk about the expense, or what I had to go through only to get turned down for help by social services because I “make too much money”. Ha, ha. I could not afford to buy turkey for thanksgiving dinner. I borrowed $20 from my son to buy a few things to last until the next payday. (which is today….yippee). My kids and granddaughter made it from Boston, a day later because of a snow storm. My son did a few much needed construction repairs to my home. My daughter tackled a few projects herself and cleaned more from where she left off from last visit.
My granddaughter is the cutest little devil, and too smart. She was pointing at things and trying to talk. So adorable. She destroyed everything she could reach on my headboard shelves. The pictures I tried to take of her again did not come out clear. She moves too fast, I move too slow. I can smile just thinking about her.
I had hoped to join planet fitness again today. Hoping that the third time is really the charm. I never made it. I had an appointment at social services again. I had to get rid of some of my garbage and recyclables that have been piling up. I had to get some basic food items, I got a cart load at one store. I got sidetracked after that when my car would not start up. I had a little panic attack. I thought I left my phone home. I opened my hood and tried to see if the battery terminals were dirty or not tightly connected. That is the extent of my mechanical skills. Anyway, my son was on his way next door to message our neighbors to come help via my kindle. The lady parked next to me came out and asked what was wrong. I told her it sounds weak let me show you how it sounds. I turned the key and it started. She helped me put the hood down. I thanked her quick so I could catch my son before he contacted the neighbors. I got to him just in time. I drove home, knowing I had to charge the battery some before shutting it off. I hope it starts tomorrow, I need peanut butter. I started to make cookies and forgot that I had not gone to the other store where I get my peanut butter. I hope my melted ingredients work tomorrow, or I will have to start over.
A. You get frustrated, waste hours on the phone with customer service, spend way over budget on gas to get to the library to make Ebay labels, lose money on reduced ebay sales because you can not list new things, drive to the local Dunkin Donuts to use free wifi, have several techs come to your home, forget your passwords to WordPress since you have not used it in eons….Sorry, it has been so long….but I finally have a different internet service now.
I am trying to catch up with all my online activities, such as Ebay, Craigslist, FB Poker, paying bills, watching movies of my granddaughter, watching Netflix….I certainly can live without internet since I did the first thirtysomething years of my life, but it does make life easier (and cheaper) when I live with it.
Other mostly non-internet things I have been enjoying lately are sleeping in, going to the Friday night auctions (not this past Friday), spending a weekend watching my Granddaughter (who will be one so soon) while my daughter helps clean my house, an occasional meetup group, reading real books from the library, slowly de-hoarding my house, thinking about exercising but not doing much more than stretching, trying to get my son to do more than video games, snuggling with my old expensive (vet bills) dog, and over eating (with out eating too much sodium). I am trying to change my mental attitude about eating since I gained so much after initially losing weight after my stroke. The brand of ice cream my son and I love is on sale this week, which prompted me to write this post. Good thing I can not order ice cream online and have it delivered or my freezer and belly would be full of ice cream until I stroked or had a clogged heart. When I had my stroke and I spent the first week in the hospital scared I would stroke again, and certainly felt like I did several times. I kept thinking my lack of exercise and weight gain played a big role in causing my stroke. My doctors said it was my unmedicated high blood pressure, high cholesterol, stress, and family history was the causing factors. No therapies I received since the stroke included diet therapy, except the ones via self-help.
To keep this short, I now am at my all time highest weight ever. I have not really walked any great distance since September and my exercise ball is half deflated. I am going to try to walk the sidewalk into town, working up to the post office and back. Hopefully everyday that is not a downpour or ice storm/
When I wake up….if I ever get to sleep, I should be able to pay my bills. Then maybe shop to get some things I have needed for weeks. First up, is spackle to finish painting my bathroom walls. Today, I took part of the bathroom heater cover outside to sand and paint. The rusty metal primer is so stinky. I let it dry and got one coat of blue on, it will need at least one more coat. I also fought with some spiders and cleaned the bathroom sink. The shower still needs to be cleaned, but I am waiting to buy a new shower curtain and paint around the shower. You might be thinking wow, you did a lot. Nope, I skipped my shower and did not drive anywhere. I wore my jammies all day and ate donuts for breakfast. I washed zero dishes, no laundry, no cleaning in any other part of my house. I just can not get it together.
I spend way too much time reflecting on my past…recent past mostly. I am always trying to figure out how to get all the day to day stuff done since my stroke. I get hungry and all my plans for getting all the dishes clean never work out. There are always more dirty dishes. My painting projects stalled to a halt. My ebay sales are tanking and I question even trying to sell something to make three dollars. It takes time to search for items, photograph, list, relist, make sure I am not paying for relists, etc. I also have to deal with a hoard of stuff in my small house that I don’t want around. I need a bigger house or to get rid of some stuff. I am tired of stubbing my toe on the door because it does not open all the way. I spent some time outside mowing today. It has been way over a week and my son and I have not finished it yet. I also spent some time trying to empty the rain barrel. I realized I could not remember the last rain and was surprised my plants were still alive. I still have at least one live lilac, some rudbeckia, and unknown perennial from my Mom’s still alive. At least that is progress since I have killed many plants from neglect post stroke. My indoor avocado is still alive too. It is top heavy so I turned to to the corner of the room for support.
It is so easy to be dark and cynical when you have no one to talk to. That is where I was the last few days. I was reflecting and telling myself it is my fault people do not want to talk or spend time with me. I realized I am just lacking the routine of putting myself in the mix of dozens of co-workers or the public on a regular basis, since my stroke I have not been back to work. Three and one half years and less than a handful of new friends and acquaintances. I still did not figure out how to turn that around. I was not a popular person pre-stroke. I have no idea why people don’t like me post, but I like me. I still have hope I will figure it all out before I die.