Tired Eyes

I found a whole batch of blogs about people that have had strokes. Some people are worse off than me, and still went back to work. The last few places I worked everything was timed and competitive. If you are not quick enough you don’t get a raise, you get a bad review, or you get the boot. You are coached about how you can improve (make the corporation wealthier). The last place I worked they had a formula for bidding on the work times. If you were the lowliest employee, you worked nights and weekends. I did my time when I first started. I worked weekends almost the whole time I was there since there were very few day slots. I was also not the quickest, slickest salesperson (yawn, but not the worst either). I still felt stressed to perform, so I could possibly have a better schedule the next few months. I missed my sons baseball games, and had to arrange others to take him to birthday parties and the science fair. I had my stroke, and since I am partially disabled I did not go back to work for my former employer. I will never go back to that lifestyle. I will work to make myself wealthy (or sustainable). I will not be pressured to compete with my friends for a preferable time slot. I can’t go back there now since I moved 6 hours away. If I ever get well enough (or live long enough) to re-enter the workforce I will be back at square one of not knowing what to do. I have contemplated going back to college to get another degree. My first one is a BS in Elementary Education-Middle School Science with a concentration in Biology. After doing stints at substitute teaching (at several schools) and spending hundreds on my portfolio copies (dinosaur age, before emailing files), I temporarily gave up that dream. That soon turned into a simmer on the back burner, half ass revisit when down on my other jobs. Even before my stroke I had trouble recalling words or information. It is now slightly worse, yet when they test me cognitively I pass because I know my name and what year it is. While in a conversation with family members I use the phrase you know what I mean (they don’t, followed by feeble clue words by me). Yesterday, I could not recall “primary residence” while talking to my daughter about houseboats. I did think of the correct phrase a few hours later. I don’t think the world is going to patiently wait hours for me to recall. The world keeps spinning, and I am left in the dust.

What I do is try to see if I fit in, anywhere. I love real estate, interior design, I majored in Horticulture and landscape design in high school. I love architecture, but I don’t think I could handle the courses to be licensed in that now. I love thrifting, but don’t have the warehouse space to set up a re-sale shop. I also don’t have the muscle to move much anymore. I did consider making gourmet veggie doggie treats, but I have not even made a single batch. I was one hell of a baker pre-stroke. If I made dog treats, I won’t be too tempted to eat them all. They also would be small enough (for me to transport) to take to flea markets. I am just batting around ideas while I can still bat.