Trying to get rid of my anxiety

IMG_5668Looking at the sky through the trees, this was yesterday. Today is more ominous, gray. I am thankful it did not rain or snow yet. I love that most of the snow is gone. I still can’t get myself in gear, to take my trip tomorrow. My car is a mud pit.  My son is an annoying brat, everything bores him. According to him, he needs $400 to buy a new game system. He only has 10 games for his current system, not nearly enough choice to get him out of boredom. My stories of playing outside when I was young, fighting over toys with my brothers and sister don’t even register in his comprehension. He got over that rant, and went to play at the neighbors. I first made him take care of the dog doodie that he is supposed to clean up. It does not bother him to step over it to get off the porch. He does not put two and two together, do some work and get paid for helping. Even though these small struggles bring me down, I know they are not the source of my anxiety. I don’t exactly know what is. Do I really forget to do important things, or do I just not want to do them? I am a bigger brat than my son. I am bored, yet I am not doing anything to make my life better.

Springy Dingy

IMG_5664I found some green in the forest. The flattest ferns I ever saw. My yard is almost snowless, but still has too much standing water. I made the decision to visit my Mom on Friday and come back Saturday. She is making a turkey  Saturday. I love turkey. That was all she had in her freezer, lucky me. My sister invited us for Easter ham dinner, but I will be home. I need to recover before my son goes back to school Monday. His spring break is not for another week. I plan on taking him to the baseball museum in Cooperstown one of those days. I need to plan a few more closer trips for him as well.

I had sweet potatoes and pineapple again. This time without the maple syrup. It was sweet enough without it. I plan on making a bunch of french toast tomorrow for dinner, so I can really taste the syrup. I am both glad and surprised I am not a diabetic. I consume more than my fair share of carbs and sweets. I found a vegan/Indian recipe I want to try using chickpea flour. I hate chickpeas, but it has lots of veggies and spice for flavor. It will probably be good with maple syrup as well.

My heart is fine, says the doctor. Good news, and I won’t have to go back until the end of July. I also got the approval of my insurance for therapy, so I need to call tomorrow for my appointments. I have to remember to tell him my afo scraped up my leg. I hope I can get a custom made one finally.

I am still working on my schedule, and fitting exercise into my life. I walked today, when I took the dog for a run. I know that is not enough to keep me healthy. I hope to get to planet fitness tomorrow. I also want to get another book from the library. I am contemplating joining or starting another book club.

I Am Craving Chocolate Cookies

IMG_5645I like mine with oatmeal, coconut, and chocolate chips. I am out of chocolate chips, so I will hope to remember to pick some up tomorrow. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow, to go over the results of my heart echo. I might just eat salad tomorrow and more sweet potatoes with pineapple. It all depends if I get gloom and doom news or if I feel fit and healthy. I am not sure which way my appetite will go.

I took a few pictures and listed a few more things on Ebay. Of course about 100 of my old listings ended without sales. I need to regroup my postcards. Since I became top rated seller I only sold like one postcard. Yikes, I was doing better before. I also only sold 1/2 my average monthly sales. I have been slacking, but not that much. The snow is melting quick, so I will need a lawnmower before I know it. I plan on getting a used one, but I want one that is easy to use. If I don’t make enough to get my top of the line cordless electric, I will be bummed. I could get cute little goats to eat my grass, but I don’t want the responsibility. I already am maxed out on vet bills with one dog.

Unsung Handicap

IMG_5597I can no longer see that well. It has progressed much more since my stroke, but I can not tell if it is caused by my stroke. The one eye doctor that tested me said I was 20/30, not too bad. I was advised to get reading glasses. I finally bought a pair and tried them out. I used them to read, holding a book at a distance that made them work. It makes my one good arm work harder. Like everything else I do, I overuse my right/good side. I lost my glasses already. I will have to have a pair in the car and every room to prevent going without.

I have had trouble taking pictures. I can not tell if they are out of focus. I partly need to use a tripod. I finally dug out the tripod I have never used. I was thinking that maybe if I use my reading glasses as well, I might be able to tell if I am out of focus by looking in the view finder. I still have not found my glasses. I cleaned off my desk, the last place my book was. They were not there. I finally found them under the bed.

My head felt cloudy all morning. I re-woke at 10:30AM, but could not function until after 1PM. I am exhausted already and will most likely be asleep by midnight.  Fatigue and bad eyesight are two things that affect my quality of life, but both are hard for me to correct.

I talked to my mother for the first time in over a week. I told her we were coming up for one day on the weekend. It will be Friday or Saturday. I did not want a big Easter fuss up there. I do not eat Beef or Pork (or any mammals).  My son is an even pickier eater, combined with my low salt diet I do not want to eat up there. I don’t know how to let my sister and Mother know that my visiting is to visit, not feast. I am not religious, my son is too old for the Easter Bunny. It just happens to be a long weekend that should not be a snow storm.

Maple Sweet Maple

IMG_5621A pic of my daughter holding her flat (twin) nephew’s school projects. My son’s school has their own maple sap to syrup production. This weekend was open house, with a free tour of the fields and sap house and sugar shack. They own the USAs biggest $36,000 biomass fueled evaporation unit. Some of the biomass grown on the grounds of the school. I have seen commercial maple syrup production before, but not on this grand of a scale. I bought a quart to try out soon. We also bought a sample of maple cotton candy. I wish I had took a picture of the 100 gallon cast iron kettle with fire pit. I could always go back any day and grab a pic, it is right down the road.

I have been exhausted from climbing in and out of the wagon. We were also outside in the cooler than expected temps. I woke up this morning and read some more of my book club book. It is so much easier to read with my reading glasses. It is hard to hold the book constantly at the same distance while I toss and turn in bed. I wore my AFO yesterday but not today. It kind of marked up my skin yesterday. I need to remember to put on hand splint on before I fall asleep.

First Time Bowling in over 2 Years

IMG_5604Today I took my daughter shopping. I found socks for myself. They are black 100% cotton, and most important Made in the USA. I love that I found them. I also got one bra on clearance. Since my stroke, I have been limited to one style. I like the pull on sports bras that are camisole style straps. The racerbacks are too difficult to get on with one hand. Hooks are out of the question too. I have enough struggles and frustrations everyday. I don’t need getting dressed to be any harder.

We then went to a diner, I had fried greasy food. It won’t happen too often. I also had blackberry pie. It was horrible, I choked it down.

Then off to try bowling. It was awkward. I did OK. I did not fall. I bowled 75 with many gutter balls. No strikes or spares today.

Another Day of Sunshine

IMG_5605Incredibly, I got more done today than all of last week. It is not midnight yet either. I  did not have time for my morning nap, I had a morning OT appointment. It was just a initial visit of measuring the angles of my fingers closed my arm extended, my wrist, etc. Now, I get to wait for my insurance to approve my OT and PT before I start up my regular visits. I need to dig out my AFO and my hand splint, I should be wearing these part of the day I was advised. I bought new wiper blades, and had the salesman put them on. I was so proud I remembered to do something that needed to get done, before it was too late. My wipers were in shreds, that made it easy to remember. I felt good knowing I did not make someone fix them in the hail or rain or subzero temps. I took the time to pick out reading glasses, and yes I look like my long dead Grandma Smith. I will be buying hair dye soon. I was on the fence about bothering to color my hair, but not any more. I will also need to keep up with my eyebrow waxing. I just need to find a person that does it right, like my former Tupper Lake salon gal. I found a few treasures at Sallie (Salvation Army Thrift Store) to list, someday soon. I made it to the library, and found the book for the book club I joined. It is not in large print, so I will be testing out the new readers tonight. They do work wonderful  to hold back my bangs. I might consider wearing them as a headband, to read labels in stores. I can not use them to walk, they make everything blurry and weird. I managed to take the dog along and my son  to get a quick run in for her. It seemed like I did more today, so I must have. I also took a quick afternoon nap. I was trying to watch the British version of the Office. I did see a show or two before nodding off.

I still have tons of things that I have put off far too long. I hope to get a few done tomorrow, before my kids get here from Boston. My daughter is staying here for the weekend. My older son is taking my 13 year old son so they can hang out this  weekend. I have laundry, looking for a dentist, making my son clean his room and pack (he did throw his duffle bag into the middle of the living room floor, before declaring he does not know what to pack), unburying the afo and hand splint, reorganizing and condensing my sale items. Starting some seeds. Calling the pound to see what I can do to volunteer. (I am thinking picture taking, article writing, facebook presence, blog?, or just petting or playing with the small fry)  Or, if my glasses work wonderfully, I will be reading all day. My son has no school, so no alarm clock automatically makes it a great day.

It snowed more, blech

IMG_5602I took this pic the other day, before snow or BS. I thought it looked like fungus imitating corn on the cob. Maybe it is a GMO reject. Originally eaten by crows then dropped over the trees, trampled into the ground on the walkway. I love conspiracy theories. Sometimes I feel the need to question everything.

It is truly Spring. The fallen snow is condensing quick, melting a little. The sun is longer and works quite quick on warming up my windshield. I had to go get my heart echo today. It was neat to watch. It had color, I don’t remember the one in the hospital having color. I could be wrong. Anyhow, I won’t get my results until next week. At least my heart was beating. It sounded normalish to me. It is a good sign I was not sent straight away to emergency. I really think my doc just orders these tests because the insurance pays for them. I have OT tomorrow. I can’t wait until they see what my arm and hand might be able to do someday. I know it does not matter what the experts say. I know my fingers and arm have improved in my second year.

Ugly covers Beauty

IMG_5606I love the stone on this brick building. I love the round window on the second floor. The signs plastered all over are just ugly. I took this picture a few days ago. The lighting was not right, and I refused to get out of  my car for a different angle.

I had a yard full of greening grass, it is now covered in snow. The last snow, I hope. It already started to melt, but more is falling. More mud in the making. I need a bridge to get to my car.

Enjoy the Green

IMG_5601Took this picture on my walk with my old girl. She ran a lot today, and was back snoozing for the rest of the day. I tried to walk fast. My legs felt strong for some reason, so I did walk relatively faster. There also was very little snow left on the trail, which made it easier. It tried to snow today, but it has been melting on the ground even though the air temp is in the high 20s.

I had to set my alarm. I have to be somewhere at 11AM tomorrow for brunch. I can always take a nap later if I need to. I will be meeting new people, so high anxiety is trying to creep in.

Happy St. Patties Day