I don’t always follow my plans

   “He, who every morning plans the transactions of the day, and follows that plan carries a thread that will guide him through a labyrinth of the most busy life.” 

― Victor Hugo

 

I try

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No more crying for me

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Facebook has dealt me a dose of reality again. This women that shares some of what she does on a 365 Random Acts of Kindness group has recently helped a women with MS. Her electric and water were turned off. She had no food in the house for her or her three dogs. She had not applied for public assistance or food stamps. I don’t know the whole story, but someone should have noticed sooner. There is a great big divide between the gimme it all nows and the sick and weary. Medical care should be more caring, and check into peoples home life. Medical insurance should be easy to understand, plus have someone explain the choices. I wonder if this person had any family that ignored her.
Also over the weekend, a person that I let rent my extra room when I lived in PA was found dead. He was only 58 or 59, an alcoholic, and very depressed for many years. He did not take care of himself by getting medical care until it was too late. He was recently hospitalized for three weeks but they let him out, because he wanted out. Well his pain is over now.
This all slapped me in the face, making me realize I don’t have it so bad after all. I have paid my electric and internet bill. My water is running, even though only cold temporarily. I can still heat it on the stove to wash dishes and warm the bucket of water in the shower. I also know I will get it fixed soon. I have to take my laundry to the laundrymat, but I don’t have to beat it over a rock. I am still alive, and I know things will get better. I have to stop being an emotional wreck in front of my son.

Life goes on without me

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I am the bright pink button in the pile of many. I stick out, but there are so many buttons I get lost. I type my heart out into the world wide web, trying to stick out. My words, if even found, will they matter. Is there a ripple or echo that will come back to me.
I had an exhausting day. My son’s lump on his chest is apparently just a hormone surge that should go away on his own. Unless he smokes pot. I know he has not yet. I don’t suspect he has inhaled second hand or I would have smelled it when he came home. I had the weed whacker out since yesterday. I put in my 1/2 hour of arm shaking work. I had told my son he was to help. After two minutes whining about too many bees he took off. I spent more of the afternoon moving chairs and pots and finished whacking the rest of the front of the house jungle. I then watered my plants. Most of the time I was working I was wondering why my son whines his way out of so much. I wonder if he will ever grow up to be able to at least take care of himself. I hope he knows he will need a well paying job to live without lifting a finger to home maintenance. I then came inside to take a nap. I am not sure if I was physically or mentally exhausted.
Later in the evening, my neighbors came over to mow my lawn, and did more weed whacking for me. They did not complain about bees or restarting the mower so much to get through the jungle.
This all happening while I had planned to go to a viewing of 50’s Sci Fi movies. I am glad I had waited to RSVP, I hate always being a no show. Needless to say I did not meet anyone new. Yet again another day goes by that I can only feel sorry for myself.
My dog did not have fun either. She hates the weed whacker. I saw her barking in the window, clawing at the door and whining. I know she would have attacked it, if I let her out. She must have been very upset, because she got into the garbage. She was allergic to the scraps she ate. While I was picking up the wrappers and paper plates she scattered, she was shaking her head. Her allergies make her already irritated ear worse. She snuggled with me when I took my nap. She is cozy on my pillow now. She is so lucky she is cute.

Get on your bike and ride

ImageI parked behind this bike with studded saddle bags at a rest stop on my way home Monday. I took the picture out my dirty car window. I parked here facing the entrance to watch my 13 year old son go in on his own. He has an obsession with Dunkin Donuts and guilted me into stopping. I need to stop every once in awhile just to drink or fix my hair. Driving with one hand can get dangerous on a busy highway. It took me about two days to recuperate. 

Today on the way back from my doctors appointment I saw some people riding dirt bikes and atvs covered in mud. I never thought riding motorcycles was fun. To me it is terrifying facing death on purpose. I think it is even worse getting covered in mud. I like the old fashion cruiser bikes with peddling backwards is the breaks, no shifting, no gears. You can get them moving fast enough to have the wind in your hair and still enjoy the scenery. Things are more in focus when you move slower.

I am just taking a break from my work. I am mixing housework with selling things on Ebay. I go back and forth not finishing much of either. I still have some steam left so hopefully I will get more done before my 2AM bedtime. I stopped washing dishes after a glass fell of the drying rack and broke. My son is supposed to be using paper cups or use the same glass all day. I will most likely forget to tell him by the time he comes back home. It is so much  cooler so it is hard to be in a bad mood. I love it in the 50-60 degree range.

Progress

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A pallet of shingles sitting in my yard. I hope it makes the code officer stay in his car. I also think it will give my neighbors piece of mind that the neighborhood is not going downhill.

Light Lavender Won

By default, I could not find the right paint to make the pale pink I wanted, so it is pale lavender. I also decided my two metal bathroom cabinets are next. They are going to be low tide (bue).
It almost rained today. It was only a few drops. I am glad it is not raining, my yard is starting to dry out.

This is what stress looks like.

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My house is looking much worse before it gets better. Things are falling apart, hiding spiders and bees. I am scared to weed whack my lawn. It might have just been a frog, but something moved near my front deck. I did not see it. It is the fear of the unknown that freezes me up. I put things off. I am trying to push through the fear. I painted next to crawling ants today. I am not scared of ants. I have tried to get rid of them for weeks, but they just crawl over my ant bait. I just don’t want to paint my antique radio cabinet, that I am using as a kitchen cabinet, only to have ants stuck to it. Well I vacuumed whoever I saw crawling and just started to prime away. I need to take the handles out tomorrow to spray paint. I need to remember to do this early before it gets too hot to breathe. I then need to line up my odds and ends paint to see what color the cabinet will end up. I was thinking pale pink today, but who knows what I will be thinking tomorrow. The rest of my cabinets are wood and I did not paint the walls yet. The bathroom walls are next, maybe. I live like an ADD spazoid, making too many decisions then changing my mind before I start. Couple that with the memory loss and I am one unproductive chic. I remembered to eat linner (lunch/dinner) as my small bit of applesauce breakfast did not make it all the way to dinner.
I love to paint, but I made a mess today. I tipped over another gallon, losing maybe 1/4 to 1/2.
I did not ruin the carpet like last time, but I ruined to entryway. I also added to the character of my shorts. I dug out the big fan today. That is why the paint spilled. My fan was crammed into my small closet and I worked up a sweat and still did not get it out until after the paint was cleaned up. It is now at the foot of my bed so I can dream in comfort.

My sleep schedule is messed up again. I went bowling with strangers tonight, ,with a Meetup group. I made a sammie when I got home. I did not want to eat out/there. My foot has been swelling with the heat. I bowled a 95, then was doing worse in the second game. I think I ended up with a 63, and that was with a strike. I consider them both good games because I did not fall on my face. I showed people that stroke survivors still want to do stuff. I also answered I am an Atheist to one person that wanted to chat religion. She asked if I grew up as an Atheist. I was saved by my turn to bowl.
Need to push through my house mess tomorrow. More painting in the heat. Deciding on paint colors and hoping all the creepy crawlies go away inside and out.

I Envy other families

Person A just reported how she enjoyed hosting her family for a week at her house. Although she misses them already so much, she will see them in a week when she drives to see them. Person B just reported, with pictures no less, how they are having a great time at their 40th anniversary of family reunions. Person C is moving and friends are throwing them a party. Person D is an inlaw of mine and has just come from her annual reunion, and is talking of throwing a party for her son that just graduated high school. I am so out of the loop, I did not know he was graduating until that picture appeared on facebook after the fact. People celebrate milestones and find ways to connect with their families. My family replies with two words when I write them a paragraph. My sister got me a Mother’s Day card with a button I did not even get the saying. She said it reminded her of something I would say. I still don’t get it, so why would I say it. More importantly why is my sister the one that knows me least. None of my family communicates with each other. I will have to spell out my wishes and hope they follow them after my death. I am not just the black sheep of my family, it was a herd dispersal.

I envision it will be different with my own children. At least since my older two have been off to college we have gotten together at least a few times per year.  This Thanksgiving will mark the arrival of my first granddaughter, or soon pending if she is a week or two late. I also should be able to host outdoor family gatherings at my house once my town installs a sewer system. That could take another year or two. Meanwhile, as I have done most of my life, I will daydream of things that never happen.