I spend way too much time reflecting on my past…recent past mostly. I am always trying to figure out how to get all the day to day stuff done since my stroke. I get hungry and all my plans for getting all the dishes clean never work out. There are always more dirty dishes. My painting projects stalled to a halt. My ebay sales are tanking and I question even trying to sell something to make three dollars. It takes time to search for items, photograph, list, relist, make sure I am not paying for relists, etc. I also have to deal with a hoard of stuff in my small house that I don’t want around. I need a bigger house or to get rid of some stuff. I am tired of stubbing my toe on the door because it does not open all the way. I spent some time outside mowing today. It has been way over a week and my son and I have not finished it yet. I also spent some time trying to empty the rain barrel. I realized I could not remember the last rain and was surprised my plants were still alive. I still have at least one live lilac, some rudbeckia, and unknown perennial from my Mom’s still alive. At least that is progress since I have killed many plants from neglect post stroke. My indoor avocado is still alive too. It is top heavy so I turned to to the corner of the room for support.
It is so easy to be dark and cynical when you have no one to talk to. That is where I was the last few days. I was reflecting and telling myself it is my fault people do not want to talk or spend time with me. I realized I am just lacking the routine of putting myself in the mix of dozens of co-workers or the public on a regular basis, since my stroke I have not been back to work. Three and one half years and less than a handful of new friends and acquaintances. I still did not figure out how to turn that around. I was not a popular person pre-stroke. I have no idea why people don’t like me post, but I like me. I still have hope I will figure it all out before I die.