Trying to be normal


I went to a meetup at a state park and tried to keep up with the “normal” people. I was lucky the trail was flat, had stairs with a good rail, and everyone else was slow. I still lagged a little behind. I also had a hard time breathing after the stairs. I was sweating, even though it was cold out. I am out of shape. I wore my AFO which is probably a good thing. I did a few things out in my yard today with out it and almost fell a few times. I can not wait to go back and trying to walk some of the trails by myself with my camera…I forgot it yesterday so used my phone and only took one pic.

I cleaned up some of my small garden and yard. Most things are alive, finally after the long brutal winter. I do have some dead things too. My raspberry which I suspected was dead soon after planting it…I never learn not to buy a clearance plant from a place that is not a nursery. It looks like a rabbit ate the bark around one of my lilacs. My cheap rose I planted in a pot may be sending up shoots from the roots, but the main stem is dead. I did not get a tree for earth day…finances are too tight. I did plant some perennial flower seeds my mom gave me a year ago. Nothing I tried to start inside has sprouted yet though….so my plan is to hit the greenhouse soon after payday. It snowed just a few days ago, our safe planting day is usually mid may.

I have my lawn mower battery plugged in. It is a miracle the charger works after being out under the snow all year. It was left out by accident, since we usually charge the mower outside.

Waiting for Green


The grass is finally greening up. The leaves on the trees are taking too long.

The whole universe is made up of the same basic elements. What makes up courage? What has to align to enjoy all the great things that seem to happen to a small percentage.

Mud equals Funk?


We have had a few days of not too bad weather. I took my dog for her first walk through the forest in what seems like forever. That made her happy and tired. I took my son to the zoo. It was depressing to see how decrepit and foul smelling parts of it were. They have been trying to improve it for over a year. I don’t think they are improving the right things. I was so sad to see the elephants were not let out of their barn to roam. I actually saw one elephant lifting one leg then another off the hard concrete floor. They did not have rubber mats in there. I just recently saw on the Tennessee Elephant Sanctuary Site that the leading cause of captive elephants death is foot problems caused by hard concrete floors. Another sad site was the lone lioness. Her mate died a few months ago. Many of the animals seemed to be a single animal.

I also took my son for our first ice cream of the season. Our local ice cream place is closed from October to April. I think that is strange because I like ice cream in any weather and not just when it is hot and sunny. I was just glad my son got out of the house.

There was big machine tearing up my lawn yesterday. I don’t mind them tearing up the grass and leaving big ruts. I just finished picking out the rocks they left last time they did that. I also am not looking forward to start mowing the lawn or getting my first letter from the town saying I do not mow it often enough. Right now everyones lawn is getting torn up. They are installing a sewer system instead of individual septic systems. They can not get it done soon enough. We had major rain here overnight and my yard is even more swampy, muddy, and flooded. Water does not get absorbed into this clay soil. It just sits there.

It is supposed to be nice again today. I hope to take my dog out to some place nice to run free. She will be happy. My son will be happy that I won’t be here on the computer. Everyone seems to be happy except me. I am trapped in my funk. I started a fire in my firepit. I could see everyone driving their motorcycles by on the main road. Most were couples. This is the second year in the row I wonder why I am sitting alone around the firepit. Last year I blamed it on my guy not wanting to do anything. This year I can tell it is just no one wants to do anything with me. If I die today, I die alone and unloved.

It Has Been Awhile Since I Did A Quote


“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.”

― Dalai Lama

Hopefully there will be pockets of humanity that survive. It seems like 50% of the world are greedy assholes, but that is just my opinion. Don’t let any greedy A holes oppress you from showing your love and compassion.

I did a lot of laundry yesterday at the laundrymat. I need to finish hanging it up, I can not fold most of it because of the one spastic, out of control arm coordination. I also need to finish cleaning the bathroom, it will be easier now without weeks of laundry piled up. I need to clean the rest of my house too. I am not sure how much will get done before I hit the wall of fatigue.

It felt good yesterday to pay back my neighbor for helping me so many times. I let them use my car for a few hours. Their car engine died, and they are still shopping for the perfect new to them car. I have given her son a ride to school or picked him up before, but the school is only a mile away. They have jump started my car so many times, usually when it is super cold out. They have also mowed my lawn more than once and would not take money in return.

I don’t want to read another comment about buying steak and lobster on food stamps


Can we think of a better way to divide this country and waste our energy than making laws to ban something in the “land of the free”? What about former vets that get food stamps, will you make an exception to them? To those that already jumped on the welfare bashing bandwagon, what about real problems and real solutions, do you have something positive to add to society? What are the ideal foods to purchase with foodstamps that would make everyone happy?

Just to clarify the point I am trying to make, this angers me. I do not want to deal with the general public. It seems the majority would rather push their ideals of their perfect fucked up society that only serves themselves. Poor people pay taxes every time they purchase taxed goods like everyday items and gasoline. It is hard to claim that every cent paid to foodstamps comes from your personal hardworking dollar. Even if it did, does it give you the right to dictate what others eat. Let them eat cake, or ramen, vegan, caviar or steak. It is fucking America.

Just to be totally honest. I get a whole $16 a month in food stamps, for both me and my son. My son prefers ramen over steak. I do not eat mammals (like steak) or most seafood by choice. I however would be even angrier if someone told me which foods I could or could not buy. We all make our choices with our budget, as we should. We live in a free country.

Mud Season


Most of our snow has melted, even though it kept on snowing even yesterday. I can not walk around my yard without my AFO. The ground squishes and I sink in.

I have to get my car battery jumped in order to get anywhere today. My emergency jumper I bought seems to be broken and not hold a charge. It might just be the indicator light. I can’t take it back since I bought it used at an auction. It still works as a giant led flashlight.

Blah Dunkadunk


Sorry about the title, I am too tired to think of something. I don’t even know what blog post number this is.

I visited my older son and his fiancee a few days ago. I was walking around outside trying to take some pics. There is a slight hill in the back, it had too much snow on it. When I tried to turn to go back one foot was still caught in the snow. I was off balance just enough to dunk my camera with the lens open into the snow as I caught myself with my good arm. I did not fall, which was a miracle. I did get some splotchy pics after. Hopefully my camera is all dried out now.

I am supposed to go on a walk to learn about edible and medicinal wild plants, with “normal” people. I am trying not to let my anxiety stop me from going. It is snowing, so it will be extra uncomfortable for me. I do not even know if I can handle the trails in perfect weather conditions. It is at a state park I never have been before. Well i don’t know why I worry. I should be used to being “less abled” by now.