If I Won The Lottery


I would still write my blog! Would I still be depressed? Maybe….Would I buy myself a whole lot of PT? Hell ya, a personal trainer and a heated pool…so maybe then I would be so busy and feeling good, I would no longer get into my really down moods. I would also move out of this swampy, flooded house into something on higher ground with a view. I would hire a full time housekeeper/cook. I would be the princess I deserve to be.

It’s raining here again. I am waiting for a bit of sun to take pics of ebay items I need to list. I should have worked on this the last few weeks. It is so hard to describe the mental blocks I feel to getting anything done. I need to go to the laundrymat later today, so I have some clean jeans to wear out to trivia night tomorrow. I hope I can find a few more quarters or I might be drying my jeans with a hairdryer.

My hopes of getting my bathroom painted on this break from my son are disappearing. With all this rain, my yard is flooded, my utility room is flooded, my drain is not draining so sewer gas comes up through my drains. I try not to let this by bother me by keeping the bathroom door shut. I am hoping the town finishes their sewer project soon. That should eliminate most of my household problems. I will be able to do laundry at my house afterwards. There should be no more bad smells. I will be able to redirect the flooded yard with french drains to prevent my house flooding once the sewer is operational.

I need to keep busy to quiet the conversations in my mind. I have been working really hard not to have so much alone time in my life. Not having a job to go to, not having family nearby, and having so few friends leaves it up to me to keep myself sane. Even my dog has been too sleepy to entertain me. (ha, ha)

One Tired Beaver


I love scenic roadside kitsch. This beaver was originally sculpted out of wire and filled with hay, years ago. It was then covered by cement during one of its renos. After vandals took off the head it was repaired and moved behind the fence. Beaver was the original owners family name and business name. I don’t know who owns it now, but the business is for sale.

I went out two nights in a row. Both were party on the patio events with music. Last night was a live band on a pretty venue by the lake. I met a dance instructor that talked me into getting up to dance. So I got up and danced, and was one of the few that danced to the end. As always there were mostly couples there. Even in the singles meetup group there were three couples. I did not meet any new “guys”, but at least I did not sit home alone again. My body hurts today. It has been sore since I broke another shower chair and smacked my head against the shower wall. Tonight I am going to take it easy, but go to the auction so I won’t be sitting home alone again. I am going to make more of an effort to talk to people.

Tomorrow, I am going to volunteer to help with a dog adoption advent. It will be 5 hours, hopefully there will be many people there helping. I hope to sit down at least half of the time too. There will be some dog walking, giving out info, and craft sales.

Beautiful Skies


Sunny, hot, lots of new scenery make for a tiring long 9 hour road trip. It was less stressful and scenic than the thruway, with the bonus of no tolls to pay. I should have stuck with my original plan to spend the night halfway back. It took me over a day to recover after I got home.

I am supposed to be cleaning and painting this week. My cleaning got a late start. I just started and I am taking a break already. I figured out how to empty the new to me vacuum canister. It emptied onto my kitchen floor. After I clean for a little while, I am going to water my garden. My rudbeckia are blooming! I am supposed to go meet a few ladies out for a party on the terrace at the casino bar later. Tomorrow is another party on the patio at a different bar on the lake. That one will be with a totally new set of people, so it will be overwhelming.

I am trying extra hard to meet new people and make friends. It is not easy, and has never been easy for me.

National Best Friend Day


My best friend today was my dog Ashley. She cuddled with me while I cried my eyes out. I then cuddled with her later as it was thundering making her nervous. She does not like loud sounds.

In years past my best friend has been my daughter and or my Mom. Both prefer their contemporaries as confidant, which is rightly so. I had some best friends for a year or two in my late teens. I don’t have any long term best friends. I am not the best communicator. I guess no one appreciates my bluntness either.

I guess it is another goal I should shoot for. Today, I just tried to clean my house more. I have a long way to go before it is finished.

Fumbled Wasteland


This is the bottom of my desk drawer that formerly housed my meds for the last three years. It was cleaned out at least once before. None of these are narcotics. This is only a small percentage that spills though. These are just the ones that got away, nestled too deep into the makeup and paperwork clutter to find. I have taken many meds off the floor too, using the three second rule. It takes much longer than three seconds post stroke however.

I only cleaned out one drawer out of 5. The rest I moved with all the contents inside. I now have one totally cleaned out desk drawer. I have a couple bags of things to take to goodwill. I hope I remember to do so after my doctor appointment tomorrow.

Cleaning and Resting, All In A Day


I tried to get my kitchen 100% clean. i washed all the dishes. Windexed the counter, stove and front of fridge. I cleared off the table, first time in about a week. I had my son take the recyclables out. I left the floor mopping for later today. It is night now, the floor was put off until tomorrow. Everything I did was between breaks watching Netflix. I also watered the garden a little since it is supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow.

I took Ash for a walk in the woods at the state park. She only ran once and I did not go in as far. I thought I heard voices and saw poison ivy and I think a tick on my sneak. We took a short ride through some back roads were I got this pic from a scary one way bridge. I then drove by a small historic lighthouse and took a pic of the water. My pics were all blurry again today. I will have to check the camera setting.

Happy Birthday Dad, Are You In Cyberspace?


If you can not tell, I am not a pro photographer. I took two pics of this rose, both are blurry. The label on this when I bought it said solid pink color. At this point I am just glad it is alive. It is a bonus it bloomed already too.

I miss my Dad. He passed away in 2006, he was 79 at the time. I realized last night while I was journaling the date.

I started handwriting a journal a few days ago. I already missed a day and tried to fill it in the next day. I have been very down, mostly due to my personal life or lack of it. I can not blame all my problems on the stroke, some I have had way before I had my stroke. So if you are reading this Dad, maybe you can give me some advice.

I shared this tidbit on the stroke survivors exercise group: I played two 9 station rounds of disc golf yesterday with “normal” people…I was the worst player overall, but I kept up most of the time…the others were people I never met from a meetup group. I literally almost pulled over and cried on the way driving there from anxiety…but I made it. I am so glad I wore my AFO as there were heavy roots and some uneven ground. I have not worn my AFO in weeks, but you gotta do what you have to if you want to stay upright. Surprisingly, no one asked why I was hobbling, as I was exhausted by the end.

I am tired of going everywhere alone, but I have been doing that way before my stroke as well. I won’t give all the details of my extra heartbreak this week. One little bit of advice is probably not to say mean things in writing. They are hard to take back or apologize for afterwards. If they were verbally spoken, I might have got my point across better.

Dark Day


A dark pic of Ashley, taken a few weeks ago. Those white eyebrows and muzzle are from old age. She got into the garbage last night, so she is itchy today. Scratching the fur off her ears.

I walked out to get some garbage bags out of my car. I had a flat tire. I decided I needed to fill it with air and have a pro look at it, since I already filled it with air last week. Later today, I walked out to the car to go to the store. I totally forgot about the flat tire. It was a good thing I noticed it again.

I made the guy I see once in awhile feel bad today. He had said we might get together Saturday, and that he was looking forward to it. Saturday afternoon came around and still no message from him. This gave me all kinds of bad thoughts which I messaged a few to him this morning.

I feel like the only one in the world denied happiness.