Depressing Halloween Poem

Another Holiday, I sit here alone. A Goddess of goodness wasting on her throne.
Another day, week, month, year or two, another lifetime without any of you.
I try to understand why you don’t want to share my laughter, I won’t beg or plead, I just want to be what you are after.
I try to get away from curling up in a ball, but I can’t seem to get past crying while staring at the wall.
My heart has exploded by a nuclear bomb, I tried picking up the pieces wondering if all of this a waste of my time.
I get through each day with fantasy and hope, my heart might mend, that would be dope.
The reality is I am constantly forgotten, neglected, rejected, the thoughts of myself all lead to rotten.
We could be celebrating together at a party, you dressed as Thor and me as Isis. The good times we had stopped all of a sudden, I want to share in your trouble and help with the crisis.
I don’t hear a word, not even a peep, no inquiry, concern of how that I keep….I have a million unanswered questions and I’ll never know why, why I can’t keep the interest of a guy.
I am not perfect, but I think I am lovable, still I remain broken spirited and untouchable.

Breaking Harmful Habits


This blue picture I took looking down from my balcony on my cruise. I believe it was at the first stop in Cozumel, Mexico

I read more of the book, The Human Vibration, by Shridhar Rajhsegar, MBA. According to my kindle I am only 20% in. It is hard to read, he must of wrote it in a different language and just automatically ran it through a translation program. I am grasping the concept. I have been working hard trying to get myself in sync with the Universe. I have 52 years of bad habits to learn to let go of. I am trying to wake up to self affirmations. I am trying to avoid what I think are my positive energy sucks. Facebook, mostly the Stroke Support Group and My Animal Advocacy group are full of too much negative. The radio station seems to be playing too many sad songs. Meghan Trainor is killing me with “Like I Am Going To Lose You”. We are never promised tomorrow. Mostly because the truth hurts me. I feel everyones pain on top of my own.

I need to focus on what I want and work towards it. I think they used to call this concept “goals”. I never learned how to focus, how to stay positive, or how to let things roll off of me instead of eating me up. It does not matter how much time I have lived clueless in the past. I am made of the same stuff that everyone and everything else that I admire is made out of. I can be as great as I want, I can earn what I want, the way that I want as soon as I am in sync. I just need to stay focused and productive. I finally went to work out at Planet Fitness yesterday. My arms are sore today, but just enough to show me that I got weeker. I am going back tomorrow. I might ask the trainer to spot me doing a cartwheel, because I have had the urge to do one in my own yard to see if I can. I used to do walkovers, front and back. I can not remember the last time I tried to even do a cartwheel though.

Post #737! Changing to Feeling Positive Vibrations Only


I started reading a book that I downloaded awhile back onto my kindle. It is going to let me know how to get in sync with the Universe to have positive vibrations instead of negative. I really need this right at the moment. My negative vibrations are so hard to shake lately. I felt so good knowing that I was finally going to have the answer to what I have always wondered, “Why Not Me?”. So good in fact I stopped reading it to go get some chores done…lol. I hope to finish it next time I am taking a break.

My vitamins have really helped knock the sickness out of me. My lungs do not hurt anymore. I hope to wake up earlyish to take my car to get some of the tires fixed. The tires are the only nightmare of my car, except for it needing to be detailed all the time. I hope this is the last time I need to take it back. The waiting room is so boring there and it smells like tires. I hope to remember to bring my kindle so I can finish reading about being positively in sync.

A Good Report


It looks good at first, it says I am doing great! On closer inspection, I am being compared to 1,200 sq ft homes, mine is only 680 sq ft. I don’t care, this is my first piece of mail from the power company that was not a bill. I am taking it as a positive. I am using 63% less electricity than others, so that is really truly positive. We leave lights on all night, the computer is always on. My broken drier, so I hang clothes to dry is probably the biggest savings. I don’t have air conditioning, I don’t need it here (yet).

Anyway, I have been trying to look for anything positive lately. This cold, sinus, flu don’t know what sickness I have is dragging me down. I think it is because I notice my stroke deficits more. I have too much weird sensations in my head as it is, I don’t need an achy spine and balloon head feeling too. I am still determined to go to the auction tonight. I don’t want to miss any good deals. I need a wow find to boost my sales. My sales this week have slowed down too much.

Keeping Busy


A pic of my granddaughter, number one. She is grabbing for my camera. I would let her play with it, but I dropped it a million times myself this year and it is barely holding together. She loves rocks, and mirrors, and cameras just like Gramma.

I drove by lots of great fall scenery the last week. Unfortunately, I did not have my camera with me yesterday. I even left my cell phone home. It was actually raining most of the time yesterday until I was driving home. I then drove with the sun blinding me. The reflection off the wet road was brutal. I have seen just a few flocks of geese headed south. I hope they took a different route and did not just start dying off. Geese I think are one of the birds that mate for life. What a lovely concept to me, I seem to be a loner for life.

Today I am trying to catch up on laundry and picture taking, and everything else I have let slide the last few days. I still have not made it to Planet Fitness. I have been feeling achy with a sore throat the last few days. I don’t want to contaminate anyone else, so I am staying home from Trivia night tonight. I really wanted to go, I hate not talking to anyone else for days on end.

Grandma Xs 2


Yesterday was my son and daughter-in-law’s baby shower. Lessons by me were learned. It is impossible to converse, hold a plate on a half paralyzed lap with one hand, and prevent a two year old from stealing your food. Most of my snacks got dumped on the floor. Always ask what the cake is made out of before you eat it, if you have food allergies. I took a couple bites happy that there was no strawberry filling. It was made with almonds, which are just as reactive to me. I was ok, and my sister finished my cake. I was glad someone else asked and I happened to be listening. It was delicious, I thought it tasted like coconut. A room full of strangers hands you things like slips of paper when your already at capacity. They had no idea, and I did not say a thing.

My camera captured about 1/3 of the pictures. I wish I had taken more. My granddaughter was the cutest thing. There were other children there. She tried to give a three month old baby a drink from another toddlers sippy cup. It was cute how she was concerned with the babies nurturing, yet did not realize he can’t drink water out of a cup yet, no matter how much dripped on him. (just a few drops)

I hope to remember all this info for the next gathering. I will try to plan ahead better. I can not wait to see my second grand daughter. I need to remember driving a few hours one way is different from having to drive a few hours back too.

Feeling Nostalgic


I am wasting too much time looking in the past. I am still going to the auction tonight. I need some fresh inventory with possibilities.

Ladies entrance?, how did we let guys oppress us for so long. It makes for an interesting old photo.

This rainy weather is a downer. I need to take some good pictures. They come out best in natural sunlight. I have plenty of projects to keep busy. I must remember to do my projects. Keeping my mind focused has been one of the hardest things for me since my stroke.

A list of some of the things I need to do: Weed out all my pictures, since the days of 35 mm, and even a few 110, I kept every pic. So I need to go through stacks of good, bad, and ugly and pick out the special ones and toss the rest. If you read my blog since the beginning, you know I still have some undeveloped film. I need to get back into taking that to get developed. I still need to paint my bathroom. I think I will do this when I run out of Ebay listings this month. Clean out my car, I can’t afford to get it detailed, but it really needs it since I use it like a truck and besides it all dogged. I need to clean my room again. It should be easy once I get my pics and Ebay stuff out of the way. I need to put my gnomies away for the winter. I will need a less rainy day for that. This is all I can think of right now.

Thirsty Thursday


I am drinking water today. My throat feels a little achy so will be switching to OJ shortly…..NO CAFFEINE Today! I had a mountain dew at trivia night and an iced tea earlier in the day. I was awake all night. I found the house of my dreams around 3 AM. It only costs, 1.9 million. I am trying to brainstorm ways to come up with the remaining 1.89 million I need to pay cash for it. I will also need residual income to pay for the taxes, but I have plans to rent one of the rooms out and one of the garage spaces. The lake pictured is the same lake but it is on a different shore a couple or more miles away. It will be my spring through fall residence. I will still need to be a snowbird despite the 4 fireplaces.

I am not joking about this. I want to put all my energy into making that place mine. It has marble and granite flooring, over 100 windows, and its own peninsula boat slip.

I Joined Planet Fitness


I don’t expect to look like Marilyn anytime soon. I do hope I get to work out my paralyzed side on some machines. I also will have somewhere to go when it is dark and rainy. I had hoped to get there today, but I spent too long looking for a lost item I had sold. It was driving me nuts, but I finally found it. I still have not found my lost ATM card. Tomorrow I hope to get my tire fixed then go to trivia night.

I have been very tired the last few days. I hope to catch up on sleep soon. I am trying to focus all my energy on making more money this month. I have planned many things with the money I did not make yet.