“who I am and why I’m here”

My first assignment for blogging 101,  I am hopefully going to learn how to do this best finally.

First of all I am here in blogland to share my story of recovering from a stroke. I had three strokes by the time I was 47. The last one left me paralyzed and numb on one side, and a whole lot of messed up cognition issues that screw with a “normal” life but are not measured or even of interest to doctors (none that I have seen). I don’t want to be known solely as a pitiful disabled person that sometimes wets her pants. My mind still has clarity of many things, I still yearn to live the life I want and believe I was made for.

I have been a single parent on and off for almost 8 years. I am still searching for my soulmate. I share tales of my life as a grandmother, mother to a depressed teen, struggles of living on social security, my quest to be in tune with the Universe, my selling of vintage items, my attempts at humor and poetry, my gardening with one hand, cooking and baking low sodium foods, and more everyday life.

I signed up for blogging101 because I felt the need to take my blog up several notches. I need new ideas, constant reminders to keep it positive, and most of all I need technical help in inserting (that’s what she said…lol) and linking. Until I started blogging, all my writing was old school pen and paper with scribbled notes in the margins, scratched out lines, circled words and renumbering paragraphs. After all the physical effort the paper ended up in the trash or recycled, because they were either for a class I took or letters to former one sided loves. My thoughts stored perpetually in cyberspace might be the only legacy of mine that live on beyond my time on earth.

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Munch Munch Monarchs

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The monarch butterfly caterpillars are eating some milkweed that was cut and placed into a butterfly house. I got to see some live ones already trying to fly out of the house. I saw a few dead ones too, their wings fallen to the ground.

I have been so busy at home, trying to clean up my garden. I have been trying to clean up my house. I have been trying to list as much as I can on Ebay to get the stuff out of my house. I am not getting rich from sales. I wonder all the time if I should just give up trying to sell stuff completely.

Very recently I have started to converse by texting and emailing a man I met through facebook. We also skyped once. He has had a stroke too. This is a different guy than the one I was messaging before. So far there is nothing to creep me out. He gets my humor, which is a huge plus.

Stop In For Some Grub

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I love these few places still hanging out from the recent past. I did not go inside this diner, yet. I wish there was one closer to me that was open 24/7.

I reverted to my snarky self on plenty of fish. A guy who has messaged back and forth a few times also indicated he wanted to meet me. He has answered several of my questions with lengthy paragraphs (a plus). Just like most other guys, he has yet set up a time and place to get together. Here is a clue to all single people that try to meet people online, you actually have to meet in person someday if you want a relationship. I don’t want to waste another minute. I am done playing games, either you want to meet or you don’t.

I am now back in my imaginary relationship in my mind. I am treated right and no one questions my choice of vegetarian low salt diet. I don’t need to be impressed to feel adored.

Stars Day Or Night

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The stars do not come out at night, they are there all along. The sun does not set, the earth spins to give a different perspective of its brightness. I had a stroke and have been shining inside all along. My thoughts are the same, yet everything is more urgent now. It might have nothing to do with the stroke. It might just be I realize how much I let others drag me down. It is not just people I know, I feel burdened by others pain, others choices. I am trying to shut out the outside world now, but still participate in it so I can see my light shining inside.

All I have done today was make dinner, weed and water my garden, and drive to the pharmacy. I also worked a little bit on Ebay, and that will be what I spend the rest of the evening on. I am also reading my book club book. It is Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer, interestingly not very far into the book he seems hypocritical like me. I am curious to see how it pans out. I know it will not change the way I eat. I pretty much think I have that down, unless I can someday afford my own personal chef.

Driving home from the pharmacy I was thinking I should have taken my dog for a run and me for a walk. I have said this a million times before, I need to walk everyday. If I remember, tomorrow might be the day I start.

When One Door Opens

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Close the damn door. Or is it, When one door closes open the damn door. Anyhow I stumbled into a revolving door. The guy that dumped me contacted me and asked if I wanted to meet him for a drink. Weirdos have been coming out of the woodwork leaving messages for me on plenty of fish. The one I am glad that got away has been making me thankful after he posts his whining for random stuff on fb. With this and more swirling in my head as I was driving to trivia night, tears started to fall. I realized I have made bad choices in the past and I am not much better at making them now. I am a bad combo of naive, suspicious, and impatient.

Despite my philosophical drive, I had a good time at trivia. I laughed, I contributed, I lingered and was the last of my group out. I wish the good times could last longer. I wish I knew how to make it so. I don’t know my superpower. I had to stop and buy toothpaste on the way home. I also picked up a 6 pack of snack sized candy bars. It was my full intention to eat them all at once. I only had three and think I will leave the rest for the future. It might be the middle of the night or the middle of next weekend.

In other news, I picked up some dog food and picked up the book at the library for my next book club meeting. I brought in the laundry left on the line overnight. I did not water my garden. I had a needy pit bull when I got home and did not have the heart to leave her one more time today. She even knocked over my computer monitor trying to get my attention. I don’t think I am going anywhere tomorrow.