Day 17 Attitude For Gratitude
I am grateful for the long way photography has come in the last 100 years. I watched two movies of my granddaughter at her 2nd birthday party without even being there. I watched them over and over, she is so precious.
Her dad took them with his iphone and emailed them to us. It was easy peasy, and free. (well after paying for phone and internet plans and equipment) Hopefully. I can watch these movies as long as I live. They most likely will be digitally stored on a cloud.
I don’t have a degree in town (or city) planning. It would make sense to me to have a working train system before investing money in a brand new train depot. This town is not the only one that puts the cart before the horse. When I lived in Pennsylvania, they had a beautiful station built to accept the droves of people visiting from NYC. I waited over 5 years for that service to start. What a fun day trip it would be to ride into the Big Apple for the day. The train service is still in the works. Maybe now that I no longer live there it will become a reality. Now I live in the middle of “Bumfuch” as I lovingly call it. They have built a brand new train depot in hopes that a rail service will someday resurrect from the industrial age of the towns humble beginnings. It is a pleasant dream. Trains are cool. Little boys (and girls) love to play with choo choos. Mass transportation is increasingly an economical necessity. I won’t be living here to hear the whistle blow. I won’t hear “all aboard” from across the tracks as I take my daily walk. I have real plans. I am moving closer to civilization where trains continue their daily commutes. It will be beautiful when my former hometown’s plan comes together, and I will come back to visit to see for myself. For now, I can not wait for dreams to materialize. I have to live fully the days I have left.
I am full of remorse and regret for each day that goes by and not enough gets accomplished. If only the places I need to go were open past 2:30 PM. I need my morning to start later, I need plenty of prep time. Every move I make takes longer than before, and there is danger in rushing my walking pace. I could leave the house bright and early, which is possible but not enjoyable. It is below freezing in the morning and my car is coated in frost. I might get one errand finished, but the next errand was what? Without my morning nap, my brainpower goes downhill. I will arrive home too exhausted to complete my therapy routines.
I have always felt I was in a different time zone than everyone else. I will even go one step further to say, I believe I must have originated on a different planet. That would explain why I can not eat even the recommended daily dose of salt without my blood pressure going out of control. I feel fragile and freakish.
I am going to write a new to do list, and a “to don’t” with blocks of time that are more realistic. I am penciling in the crash nap, but still going to get maximum therapy time. It is my life, and I can fail if I want. Instead, I am going to rewrite my own definitions of successful.
Over One Month Old
This has certainly surprised even me. I have posted every day for over a month. It is true there were some lame and feeble posts. With my trusty new guide, Blogging For Dummies, that should not happen too much in the future. I have not read too far in yet, but I am sure I will get a few helpful hints. One hint I plan on doing soon is writing ahead of time for the days when I am too busy or tired. Those busy and tired days come much more frequent now.
I had another occupational therapy followed by physical therapy today. That always knocks the wind out of my sails. I also have to follow up with an arm workout three times a day at home, in addition to my electric shock treatment (as I fondly call it). I did manage to stop by the library on the way home to pick up my book. They had some free magazines out front, so I took just one. It was Backwoods Home, it was 2 years old. It was just as relevant today in 2011 as 2009. However, not much that I read seemed like something I did not read before online. I will recycle it by taking it back tomorrow, and maybe grab a different issue.
All my thoughts are lost in the abyss. They come and go, and sometimes I can tie them together. That is not happening right now, so another brief post.
Lack of Sleep, More Therapy, Exhaustion
I have not been this tired in a long time. Well, I have, but not all day long. I found out my occupational therapy was finally approved by my insurance. Hot Dog. I missed my morning nap to take my son for a few immunizations, going against my grain. The school nurse can not harass me for the rest of the year. I saw his new (only one month) school sneakers up close as he was sitting on the exam table, waiting for the doctor to come in. They are already garbage, cracked around the front. Not even real leather means “quality” anymore. He has three choices now. He can wear the new snow boots all day, like Napoleon Dynamite. He can wear the cheap canvas slip on sneaks, bought on clearance to play in. Most likely he is going to wear the new garbage tomorrow. He is oblivious, as I was.
I fell asleep reading another book from the library, not because it is boring. I am just that tired. Tina Fey is so talented and smart, I am enjoying her book Bossypants. I will finish it tomorrow. My warm comforter is now my best friend.
What did I accomplish today? Nothing, another day of contemplating instead of doing. I can not even get it together for a decent blog post. Please, all I ask is for one ray of sunshine per day. I need to stop making excuses. I don’t need sun to shine down on me. I need a ray of sunshine that comes from within. If I can’t understand where it comes from, at least let it shine outwards without a spark.
Hope for the Future
My insurance was approved for me to continue my physical therapy for a while longer. I am breathing a big sigh of relief. I have hope I will be able to hike again some day, and walk really fast if I wanted too. I can feel my ankle getting stronger, sometimes. I still need to fight to get my occupational therapy approved. I have not given up hope that I will use my left hand and fingers again. I might have to find my own therapy routine, but I can do it.
Tomorrow, I go find out if anything can be done to lower my blood pressure. It is still running at unsafe levels (for having another stroke). I need to up my activity level to lose more pounds, I have been hovering in the same range since summer.
Losing a piece of me, a little more each day
Molly was never a snuggly friendly cat. However, she did entertain my family for about 4 years. She made sure my house had no living mice or bugs with fierce diligence. She would let my son occasionally snuggle nose to nose with her, but never liked to be confined to anyone’s arms. She ate some “lucky” bamboo one day and went crazy. Real bamboo is not poisonous. Lucky bamboo,really dracaena not bamboo, is highly toxic. So things do really spiral from bad to worse. I bought that “lucky” bamboo to put on my desk at work. Not the job I held at the time I had my stroke, but the previous one where I was laid off. My “lucky” bamboo should have came with me to sit on my desk at my new job. “Lucky” bamboo should only be in offices where kitties, and other animals (except humans) are not allowed. I hope to buy another “lucky” bamboo plant again, when I have my own work studio. I can place it behind a glass barrier, so it won’t accidentally become a snack.
After my stroke, I sold most of my furniture and other items I owned. First, I had to drastically reduce the amount of stuff that just was not worth hanging on to. I also had to reduce my belongings to fit into storage during my transition. My house is going back to the bank, and I will be starting another life once again.
I let my daughter have the privilege of taking care of my pittie, Ashley, she is pictured on my blog as well. Nothing is like it used to be, and too much of my life is out of my control.
My goals on my bucket list seem like pipe dreams. After all these years I still have not figured out how to make things happen.
I had too much negative to deal with today. I had to fight to get my occupational therapy continued. I have to make a second trip to the pharmacy tomorrow, because my insurance is calling the shots…..its not pain meds, it’s for my blood pressure, but I guess trying to get them a day early is evil. I also had a talk with my son’s teacher, after I got the call that he was to be detained yet again. My calls to the dentist were not returned. This left me too frazzled to go for a walk. If I could have snuck (yes a real word, spelled correctly, according to my sources) a nap sometime in between any of this, I would have been re-energized for my walk. I also can not think clearly to make my daily post fabulous. If anyone did notice, I will change a photo on one of my posts that was duplicated . How did I forget so easily?